balding angrily

While I’m ripping-off more successful bloggers, I thought I’d rip-off the Grand Poobah, The Big Cheese, The Blogger Before There Were Blogs - Lore Sjöberg.  And I’m not just going to steal his format, I’m going to steal his CONTENT.  Take that, intellectual property laws!

• ass-in-face - Nothing says, “Love me unconditionally” like a winking brown-eye centimeters from your nose.  Like most cat behaviors, this one comes from your cat’s realization that you are not, at that moment, paying full attention to her.  You may be watching TV.  You may be doing a crossword puzzle.  You may be reading an article about the future of genetic science, wondering if someone’s going to invent a virus that will give you the ability to pee Mountain Dew, ‘cuz that would be really cool AND useful.  Whatever you’re doing, your cat will come to you, all affectionate-like and purring.  And you’ll think, “Aww, how sweet; she just wants a little rub.”  And she’ll nuzzle your face with her nose.  And you’ll scratch her back.  And she’ll arch her back and purr louder.  And it’ll be just adorable.  And then she’ll turn around with her tail proudly erect so that you’re involuntarily giving her a rectal exam. D
• pouncing - J & I found out last weekend that we probably have American Shorthairs.  According to Animal Planet, American Shorthairs are descendants of European Shorthairs that were brought over with the Pilgrims to rid the boats of mice.  American Shorthairs are supposedly excellent mousers.  All I know is that when I lay in the center of our bed and scratch the covers from underneath, one of our cats will LEAP over me to get to the scratching noise.  She’s like a mini-Michael Jordon with her hang-time.  Hopefully, as she gets older, she’ll start letting her tongue hang out.  And then I can set up a mini-basketball hoop on one side of the bed.  And I can buy her little kitty basketball shorts.  And she can have her own line of Nike shoes.  B+
• double eyelids - When I was I kid I used to stare at my cat for hours waiting for him to blink.  If I got to him when he was really drowsy, he would blink VERY slowly, so I could watch the inner eyelid slowly close before the outer eyelid.  It’s become a retread to say science fiction promised us rocket packs, flying cars, and teleportation by now.  You know what? They also promised us oculus doorways in spaceships.  Cats’ double eyelids are the closest we’ll get to oculus doorways, and that makes them awesome. A+
• curling in the lap - Again, you’re watching TV or writing on your blog, and your cat leaps into your lap, proceeding to knead your thigh like dough.  You stir your coffee, take a sip, and you’re just content to have a source of warmth and vibration close to your wang.  Then she curls up in a circle, and you stroke her back.  And you feel like a Don.  A+
• rum tum tugger - When I was in high school, I thought I had to love every musical, Cats included.  I bought the soundtrack and played it over-and-over, just like all my other musicals, but I did it begrudgingly.  After a few weeks of forcing myself to listen to both CDs from start to finish, I finally put “Memory” on repeat and ignored the rest.  Then my dad saw the touring show, and he said that I just HAD to see it.  That’s high praise from an ex-Marine.  Then this video started playing on VH1, and I honestly, well …  As a 15 year-old proto-gay living in Southern California, my conceptions of masculinity and femininity were wack.  I remember thinking, “Look, he’s getting all the chicks.  And he’s pretty tough.  If you offer him pheasant, he’d rather have grouse.  That’s straight-up gangsta.”  So, I started singing “The Rum Tum Tugger” around the house, and in another show of my mom’s complete obliviousness, she did nothing about it.  It wasn’t until 1995 when I saw Jeffrey that I realized that maybe, just maybe, “Cats” wasn’t all that.  Bryan Batt plays a singer/dancer who was in Cats because it was the only job he could get.  In the end - SPOILER ALERT! - his character dies; I read that as indictment of bad theater.  D

Oh. And to see a better piece on cats, go here.

I met with the editor of a local newspaper on Wednesday, and she gave me an assignment. I have an assignment! Just like a real life writer that gets paid! Let me whip out my pocket notebook with the metal spiral at the top. Let me me lick the tip of my pencil and flip the pages of that notebook and jot a few notes. Let me shove a bulbous microphone in the face of an avoiding politician. Let me step into this telephone booth and save Lois Lane from a helicopter perched perilously on the rim of the top of the tallest skyscraper.

Seriously, I’m looking forward to it. She said I might also get involved in the paper’s volunteer blog. When I do, I’ll link to my posts here. That is if I still have any readers here.

Look! J-pop! (Not J-rock.)

Yesteday I read this article on Gawker about the death of viral videos. Maybe death is too strong of a word, but according to them, viral is definitely in its decline. I probably agree; I’ve stopped featuring my favorite ‘tubes on Balding Angrily because I don’t want to bog down this site with stuff you can get anywhere. Instead I’ve been dumping those small bits of retardedness onto my friends or showing them to my nieces.

When I lobbed “The Renewed Mind is the Key” over to Mr. T, I thought the comedy came from “Ohmygaw. They’re Christian. They think they’re good, and they’re so not.” If I were to have posted it, it would have come off as mocking Christians.

So, here’s a new video. (via gigglesugar)

This somewhat alleviates my fear that I was laughing at Christians in that other video. I say somewhat because it could be true that I’m mocking Europeans instead of Christians. It may be true that I’ve substituted one other for a different other. (Sorry Magnus. The blog and I are U.S.-centric.)

However, it could also be true that I’m just laughing at bad dancing in both videos. Which is sad. Because little 14 year-old Alex would have loved the dancing. Little 14 year-old Alex used to sit in bleachers in the gym with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees, and with stars in his eyes he would rapturously watch the dance troop do their routines at half-time. And little 14 year-old Alex would think to himself, “I don’t want boobs or a vagina, but I really want to dance like that. That is soooooo cool.”

It’s rare that I’m blown away by YouTube because, in general, I’m not interested in what everyone else is interested in. Usually, I discover things that were viral three years ago. That’s my M.O.

So, imagine my surprise at finding the most awesomest thing at the top of You Tube’s Featured Videos.

Here’s the description:

Two girls find a mysterious radio left at their doorstep. They unleash a six armed goddess who seduces them with promises of wealth. They trade their souls for money and, in turn, become the goddess’ dancing elephant slaves.

I don’t know if this is The Heavy’s official video to “Coleen,” but it should be.

Relax and enjoy. (A warning. It’s a big file.)

Like my internet? I changed it. For you!

From Tim & Eric’s Awesome Show! Great Job! ( I wish I could be sure of the correct punctuation.) on Adult Swim

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker:

Elect Hillary so that Bill has to be the First lady.

The Republican elephant stood beside it. I re-read it wondering why first was capitalized while lady wasn’t. I wondered if that had something to do with why I was missing the attempted snap.

I started looking for the truth that underlies most jokes. I thought, “How could this statement possibly be true from a Republican perspective? On some level is it more important to the Republican to imagine Bill in a dress than to win the election? Is a man in a dress really that degrading in the Republican mind?”

Then I thought, “Maybe it’s a call back to the Monica thing. Maybe the sticker is implying that Hillary will fool around with an intern while in office. That could be almost funny, in an Earlian karma kind of way.” But then I came back to, “So this sticker would prefer to see cosmic justice served than win the election? I’m still not getting it.”

I finally came to the conclusion that Republicans are born without mirth. Their attempts are precious but slightly depressing.

Or maybe I expect too much from a bumper sticker.

Enjoy.

Jen-An, Owen, Jerry and I went to Chicago last week. The highlight of my time in Chicago was fulfilling a lifelong dream of mine. Family Guy stole my dream and made it a parody, so you may already know where this is going. I wanted to sit in front of Georges Seurat’s masterwork at The Art Institute and listen to The Dream Academy.

In Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, I identified with Cameron. I never wanted to be Ferris. I wanted to be - and be with - Cameron. He wasn’t my first movie crush, but he was important. The scene where the camera switches between Cameron’s eyes and those of the little girl in Sunday Afternoon on the Isle of La Grande Jatte was powerful for 14-year old me. I understood the longing in that exchange.

A little later, I started exploring Sondheim and rented the PBS performance of Mandy Patinkin in Sunday in the Park with George. I didn’t know it was about Georges Seurat’s famous painting until the end of Act I or that it was a multi-Tony-nominated musical; I thought I was making a discovery. The story is about the character of Seurat who isolates himself in pursuit of his art. That’s what I got out of it anyway.

Again, there’s that theme of loneliness with this painting. As a lonely little fella, I connected with this painting.

It’s breath-taking in person, and I nearly cried sitting there looking at it. I feel like Seurat painted it just for me, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like that scene is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was filmed just for me. Or that “Sunday,” the song from Sunday in the Park with George, was written just for me. Or that Seth MacFarlane and Co. wrote the parody in Family Guy just for me.

I’m sure that these things are loved by many, many, many people. How Eleanor Rigby of us.

Bad Visual Effects: Check

Bastardization of an American Icon: Check

Impromptu Dancing and Singing Including In-Flight Dancing and Singing: Check

Monty Python Levels of Absurdity: Check

It must be Bollywood! (via BoingBoing)