balding angrily

Or tweets that are very old, but still fresh as the day they were born.

• Claiming all the cinnamon-sugar pita chips for my own consumption. Priding myself on my Columbus-like resolution.
• Organizing a sit-in. Of one. On my couch. We’re protesting the lack of good television by forcing ourselves to watch bad television.
• I’d be a Luddite if it meant “one who enjoys preludes.” Otherwise I’m all for technological advances. I guess I’m a lapsed Luddite.
• Every time I passed a reflective window yesterday I said to Jerry, “I can’t believe how cute I look.” He rolled his eyes, and I felt loved.
• Toys ‘R Us was depressing. Plastic clamshell packages strewn about under dead fluorescent lights. This is how the apocalypse will look.
• Plane WC fun: push the flap at the bottom of the toilet down solely with the pressure of your pee-stream.
• I promised my big intenstines that The Annual Holiday Gorge would be over soon. But foodstuffs linger in the company kitchen. Beckoning.
• Is there an internationally-synchronized scale to determine the rankness of a fart? Is this something the NIST should be working on?
• Die, Kenny G. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.
• Lick ‘n Stick Architecture: Not to be confused with an Arts ‘n Crafts Bungalow, a Jack ‘n Jill Bathroom, or a Slap ‘n Tickle Georgian.
• The 80s made me gay: Automan, Airwolf, Manimal, Wonder Woman. How is an innocent boy supposed to fight those influences?
• I resolve to use “pissfarting” in conversation today.
• Going through archives, doing some routine maintenance. Came across a folder named “unsuccessful proj.” How refreshingly honest.
• Thinking about Channing Tatum as Duke in G.I. Joe. Memories of pulling down Duke’s pants when I was a tyke just turned molestery.
• You know what else is a good word? Whittle. There aren’t enough pleasant, carefree words that mean “taking a knife to something.”
• Assault of the Day: A woman with a deep voice and a brusk manner, while passing me in an entry vestibule, said at me, “Good door.”
• I presume she was talking about the door she just passed through because I wasn’t wearing a door on my person at the time.
• Just had a debate with myself whether to go with the English spelling of program. Then Twitter’s character limit made the decision for me.
• World Wildlife Fund needs to change their acronym. Keep thinking Noah Wylie’s trying to save yelling, sweaty men in neon, not Polar Bears.
• I’m chewing on nine pieces of Dentyne Spicy Cinnamon. I call it Wad-O-Headsweat.
• Sometimes I play with my mag-safe plug with my fingers right next the metal. I’m hoping I’ll get a shock. Or that my laptop will explode.

Stealing from a fellow blogger because I’m too lazy to come up with anything original: Recent Tweets.

• Standing on principal; she’s kinda lumpy. <– If Larry Hagman was a snarky tweeter.
• I’d like some Cafe Press-er to design a T that says, “If you fart near me, I’ll point at you and scream like a body snatcher.”
• Trying to think of an occasion to use “guvnah” outside of my usual chimney sweeping duties.
• Craving a happiness that can only come from electronic consumer goods.
• In “I can’t believe people actually think I’m a grown-up” news, the AIA is flying me to Salt Lake City for a meeting. Suckers.
• I wonder if they’d still be sending me if they knew I was listening to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack while tweeting.
• Chilly figertips and gloomy, Dallas skies are asking me to skip the gym for an evening of watching HGTV in footie pajamas.
• Suzanne Whang does not hold my best interests to her bosom.
• Ever dwelled on hating someone while playing Tetris? Turns out you can’t bludgeon blocks into ill-fitting holes.
• Hangnails: Nature’s gift to the world’s meeting-trapped masochists.
• Bowel movements are fun!
• I must have a sign on my back that says, “Please fart near me.” Or elliptical trainers somehow activate the fart gland.
• Given the hue of the faces of local TV personalities as seen through HD, I propose that Jeff Koons create a sculpture called “Neon Tangerine Newscaster.”

If you don’t know what Twitter or tweeting is, I can’t help you.