balding angrily

In case you missed the first “I’m peeking at you,” I commented on the search terms people most typed into Google to get to my site. Here’s the April edition; my hosting peoples start me fresh at the beginning of the month, so I thought this would be the perfect time. Following are the search terms with the number of times people typed them in to get to Balding Angrily.

Always with the bullets.

• alex knesnik (10) - Who dat? Over the past month I’ve slowly come out of the closet about the website to my loved ones. These are all people to whom I’ve said, “Yeah, I have a website, but I don’t want you to read it because I’m embarrassed about the stuff I write about.” So. Hi mom!
• alex balding (7) - Who dat else? Let’s think of all the other balding Alexs. Alex P. Keaton wasn’t; he’s shaky but not balding. Oo, a Parkinson’s joke. That, ladies and gentlemen, makes me a bad person. But really, it doesn’t make me love him any less. I think Katherine Hepburn was the most beautiful and talented actress in the history of cinema, but she was a bit shaky.
• kiefer sutherland (4) - I Googled Mr. Sutherland after I saw this to see how far down the list Balding Angrily was. I got to about page 6 and gave up. You must be pretty hard up for Kiefer bits if you get here using that search term. You must need a Kiefer drip. “Really, this is the last website. After this, I’ll shut down the computer. I just want to see if this next site has just an itsy-bitsy, minute, barely visible slice that I couldn’t get from the other 200 websites.”
• frequency kenneth gay (4) - How often does Kenneth get gay with his work buddies? Twice a week? What does Kenneth do when he gets gay with his work buddies? Over-the-underwear activities? Does he have a martini party? Does he match the towels in the executive bathroom to the bathmat? And who’s curious about poor Kenneth and the frequency with which he gets gay? What kind of friends are those?
• jcrew employee discount (4) - Hm. Sorry I didn’t provide an answer before. I believe it was 50% except on special items. That discount applied to sale items too. I have a pair of pants in my closet that were originaly $120. I got them for about $20. If you were wondering if you should apply, I’d say, yeah. If they still have that discount.
• batman spanking robin (3) - My favorite part of this exercise is finding out about people’s little quirks. Some would call them sicknesses, but I won’t. At least 3 people want to see pictures of Batman spanking Robin. That’s cool. I think, though, to be fair you should also want to see pictures of Robin spanking Batman or Superman spanking Batman or Aquaman spanking She-Ra or Skeletor spanking Man-at-Arms. To limit it to just pictures of Batman spanking Robin seems incomplete, like you’re just not committing fully to your sickness quirk.
• get to know you questions deep (2) - Who is judging how intimate I should be with my questions? Who is telling me that me and my questions should go to a happy hour and spend three hours discussing our common loves and losses? I’m happy with the relationship me and my questions have right now, thank you very much. Maybe in a couple of months we’ll want to take it to that next level, but, you know, we just met. Why rush things?
• balding suicide (2) - I told you before the last time you did this; Jesus loves your bald head. Actually, this is a little more serious than the others. It makes me sad if someone out there is considering suicide because they’re going bald. There are many, many, many, many other things in this world that are more depressing and worthy of anxiety than a chrome dome. Do me a favor. Tell those other pretty-boy, skinny, black-hearted queens that their spiked, bleach-tipped hair looks ridiculous. Tell them they look like a porcupine run over by beauty supply van and their Armani WW1 flight goggles/sunglasses make them look like a Devo music video from the 80s. Tell them that you are a real person from the top of your shiny head to the tips of your unpainted toenails. Tell them to kiss your (more than likely) hairy white ass and not to come up for air until they are ready to recognize that bald is beautiful. That Bruce Willis gets more tail then they’ll ever hope to get. That Mr. Sexy-Ass-Kiss-Me-In-The-Morning-Then-Just-Walk-Away Jason Statham could tranport their sorry kneecaps to the backs of their legs. That the mother fucking King of Siam told you to tell them that “they be only womens and Christians and therefore unworthy of Buddha’s interest,” et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
• tailoring shirts tight pecs (2) - This sounds like a dance. It’s all in the hands and arms with this one. In the first part of the move, the “tailoring shirts” part, you put your arms in front you and make like you’re threading a needle, and in the “tight pecs” part, you feel on your breasteses in a circular fashion but with opposite hands, forearms crossed. Do it with me. A one and two and tailor shirt, and three and four and tighten pecs. Do whatever you want with your legs. Hopefully you’re close enough on the dance floor to the person you want to have sex with that they’re not looking down at your legs. And who cares anyway? He’s drunk. If you’re doing the Watusi with your legs, it wouldn’t matter because your beautiful, perfect, hairless head says to him that you are virile; you could last hours in the sack.
• batman spanking robin’ (2) - Now with apostraphe! For added possesiveness.

Since I put that little Amazon advertisement down there underneath all the other detritus in the right column, I’ve been paying attention to what comes up. Amazon calls it an Omakase link, which, according to them, is Japanese for “leave it up to us.”

It is commonly used in Japanese restaurants for a meal where the chef uses their experience and knowledge to select and prepare the meal for a customer without specific directions.

Omakase - try it, you’ll like it!

In other words, Amazon is reading your browsing habits right now - RIGHT NOW, I TELL YOU!!! - to select the perfect product for you. If you’re scared that this is a little too close to Big Brother, you can read their privacy statement under the ad. I’d hate to lose you as a reader. Though, if by now you don’t know the government is reading your every move through the internets, you’re hopeless and very naïve.

ANYways, I noticed today that its pick for me is the soundtrack to Jerry Springer: The Opera, but it’s hard to see “The Opera” part. I just saw “Jerry Springer.” I found that a bit offensive. This little bit of Japanese sushi is telling me that I would really enjoy Jerry Springer? Sure, I loves me some Project Runway and I loves me the first couple of weeks of American Idol when all the crazies come out and wag their fingers at Paula and I loves reading on the internets when Paula gets all crazy drunk and nearly falls out of her chair during an interview and I loves me some Britney actin’ a fool, thinking she’s Kojak with a lollipop in her mouth.

But Jerry Springer? Come on. A man’s got to draw a line somewhere. Then I read “The Opera” part, and I felt dumb. ‘Cuz Jerry Springer: The Opera sounds delightful.

Which leads me to this: How can I get that bit of Sanrio code down there to come up with, say…The Joy of Gay Sex or Our Bodies, Ourselves or Zamfir Plays the Most Beautiful Melodies: Volume 2 or Helen Reddy’s Greatest Hits? I’m not sure why suddenly I want to be swamped with pulp from my parent’s generation, but that’s not the point; I just want it to.

Or, what about a book on apples? I want to learn about apples. How are they made? Who puts the seeds in them? How come my local Albertson’s is only stocked with mealy, smushy apples that fall apart in your mouth like pre-chewed food from a momma bird? (I imagine.) Why is it always the apple that Eve supposedly took from the tree of knowledge, leading to millennia of suppression of the fairer gender? Why not a passion fruit, mango, or kiwi? Would it have made a difference? Would it have been a deadly, furry kiwi instead of an apple that poisoned Snow White? Is it the shape of the middle of a sliced apple that gets people all atwitter? The fact that it looks a little like, erm, lady-parts? Is the apple in the creation story supposed to represent lady-parts, thereby reinforcing the sin of woman? If the apple had been a furry kiwi in the creation story, would fuzzy bald men’s heads be a symbol of sin? Would I have to wear a hat to cover up my sinful, fuzzy head? Ooooooooh! Maybe it originally WAS a kiwi! That explains the Yarmulke! But then, what about Superman? When he’s Clark he wears a hat, and when he’s Superman he doesn’t! Does that mean Superman is sinful? Does that mean that saving people from falling glass using your heat-vision is sinful? Does that make Kryptonite some sort of holy instrument like a papal relic? I wonder if the Pope would bless a piece of Kryptonite…like if Lex Luthor somehow snuck a piece in front of him in a crowd and the Pope accidentally blessed it. What would happen? Do you think Superman could be cool with a blessed piece of Kryptonite? He’d be like, “Yeah, I know it could kill me, but come on! It’s blessed! Whaddaya gonna do?” I’m not sure why Superman had to turn into a Soprano just then, but it probably wasn’t the first time. And did you know that Miss Teschmacher’s first name is Eve? How’s that for a coincidence?

So, yeah, let’s just see what Okinawa down there comes up with now. Call this experimental theater.

-Update-

If you’re reading the comments below, this post used to have a lot of boldeds where now there are italics.

I took the day off yesterday because I spent some time writing something I feel honored to have been asked to write. I can’t say much more, as I want it to be a surprise when (and if) it comes out.

Speaking of writing outside of Balding Angrily, in case you missed it, M. Robert posted my update on his site on Monday. There was a lot of confusion because I wrote as if I were him. Sorry if you didn’t get that.

Too much time on my hands? Never. A person can never have enough free time.

As M. Robert said, we’ll be doing the switcheroo in a bit. We just met for lunch; he gave me a big ol’ stack of things to wade through before I feel comfortable enough to post to his site.

Stay tuned. I’ll be playing Phoebe; he’ll be playing Ursula. Or is it my Barbara Harris to his Jodie Foster?

Crumpet, whose name originates from something dirty, dedicated a whole post to Balding Angrily because she is enduringly kind. I asked her for a juicy quote because I’m contemplating putting together a press kit.

She went over-and-above which is her way. She and her partner are hosting a photography competition that may be in its final stages, but it’s worth a look. She’s an exceptionally talented artist, and it makes me sad that I can’t see her work in person as she is in Melbourne. I suggest you look at her story about the pepper.

I’m thinking about this press kit because I want to get some publicity for the site. I also hope to get published, which I know nothing about. I look at the careers of Lore Sjöberg who has a column in Wired and Matthew Baldwin who contributes to The Morning News, and I want to live that model.

Here is the first of my two requests. If you have the inclination, write a little something-something nice about Balding Angrily that I can quote, and email it to me at alex@baldingangrily.com.

My second request is to any fellow bloggers out there that want to trade seats for a day. M. Robert, I’m looking at you, although this request is to any blogger reading this. The idea would be that I would write a post on your site, and you would write a post on my site. It would be like a Mad About You/Friends crossover event.

I originally thought about this with Crumpet in mind because I read her site enough and know enough about her that I could come up with a nice caricature of her. In other words, I would write as her, but in my mocking voice. With anyone else, I would have to do some research on your site to pull out some key things to exploit. Or if that idea doesn’t appeal to you, we can do something else.

If you’re interested, write me. I’m open to any suggestions.

If you haven’t noticed, I did some minor changes to the right hand margin today. Crumpet was the first to notice I have a Flickr account; if you didn’t, then you’re not a friend of mine. Please go away and never come back. If you’re still here, I would love to be your Flickr friend. I don’t know how it would enhance my life, but as with most things social that I avoid like Ann Coulter avoids her conscience, I’m sure it will help me out in the long run.

I’ve been putting off the Flickr banner because it seems that every time I try to mess with the site, it backfires, killing the site for a few hours. It turns out that adding the Flickr banner and adding my email address with K2 was probably the easiest thing I’ve ever done on the site.

You’ll also notice that I added the picture to the about page. This is probably my favorite picture of Jerry and me, so I’m happy to have it represent me on this site, even though half of my head is cut off. I would love some help if any of you script-kiddies know what’s wrong with my “about” page. I can’t for the life of me get the damn thing to put space between paragraphs, and my only guess is that the page template for this theme is different than the post template.

That is all. Have good happy fun time, yeah-yeah-yeah.

I’ve been asking myself, “What does Balding Angrily want to be?” In response I hear, “Write about what interests you. Find your niche on the web.”

In the interest of “finding my niche” and “writing about what interests me,” here is a list of things I really love: (Cue bullets!)

• I really like getting pleasured in the places where my bathing suit covers. There are plenty of sites out there that take care of that. Next.
• I really like surfing the web. Again. I think Google has that covered, but I will continue to bring you links that I don’t think you’ve seen before that make me smile.
• I really like looking at male hotness. Because I don’t want my mom to be TOO ashamed of this website, I won’t be putting up pictures of male hotness on this site.
• I love movies. Should I lift my ban on talking about movies? I just know that I really don’t like reading other layman’s movie reviews, so what would make mine any different? I don’t know. I’ll think about this one.
• I love hanging out with friends, boozing it up and carousing. Hopefully, this material will never dry up, so you can look forward to many more updates there.
• I love my past. Again, hopefully this material won’t dry up.
• I love reading really good writing. I love being amazed by how someone can craft a sentence. This love conflicts with love #2 above because by the time I’m done surfing, the thought of reading any more makes my eye-bulbs hurt.
• I love music. I just don’t think I have the tools to talk about music intelligently. Maybe I’m wrong. Audience?
• I love being a nuisance to Jerry. I’m not sure how that would translate to the web. Maybe a picture every time I jump on top of him while he’s trying to sleep? An update when I throw a kitty on him? A detailed description of how I poke his face while we’re driving? Help me out here, kiddos.
• I love 30 Rock and The Office. Another fan-site? Blech.
• I think I love writing. A blog about writing? That seems kind of mobius strip-ish.

So, basically, I love talking about myself. I knew that already. Thanks for the obvious, bullets.

What’s your take, peeps? What do you think are my strengths after the six months that this site has been up?

I need everyone who regularly reads this site to give me some feedback in the comments about something rolling around in my head.

If you haven’t noticed, every time I talk about a specific book or CD, I usually link to Amazon so you can buy it if what I have to say is interesting to you. I do this because I want people to enjoy something as much as I do, and I love shopping on Amazon. I don’t get paid a lick for doing this; I’ve just had wonderful buying and selling experiences with them.

The other day Jen-An and Owen gave me an article about how to make a little cash if I were to join Amazon’s Associates program. The idea would be that every time I do what I normally do - link to a product on Amazon - I would get a little bit of money when you click on that link and buy.

My goal would be to not change the way I do things already. I talk about books and music only when I’m having a hard time forming thoughts about something else in my life. In other words the “product post,” is really a kind of fallback post. I would like to keep it that way, as I think most people that regularly read this are more interested in my relationships and stream-of-consciousness ramblings than they are in my opinions on books and music.

You may have also noticed that in a “product post” that while I offer up the negatives on a work, I usually have an overall good experience with it. I generally don’t talk about things I hate because ranting, while sometimes fun to read, can be tiresome. If I don’t like something, I just won’t write about it…in general. If I can come up with a really well thought-out rant, I’m not above posting it.

This is my request. I want to know what your opinion is of this Associates thing I’m thinking about. How would it change your opinion of this site if you knew I got a kick-back from Amazon? Would my opinion be suspect? Do you take comfort in knowing that I write on this site purely for self-gratification without monetary reward? What would you think if this site, or some version of this site, became a money-making enterprise for me? Do you care at all?

• Commenting with Safari - My friend and her S.O. have been trying to help me with my problem with Safari, but to completely fix it would require a total re-install of Wordpress, the thought of which makes my hair follicles hurt. Yesterday, when testing commenting with Safari, I got a new error message instead of the normal “You can’t do that. Bad person.” This new error message said that if you’re in Safari, you must change your security setting to allow all cookies. It also told me the problem is with CoComment. I did that, emptied my cache, shut down Safari, restarted Safari, and I could comment. Until I can look into it further, I suggest you do that. I’m sorry my programming idiocy prevents me from being a better host.
• Password difficulties - Again, I have no idea why except that computers have minds of their own, but in the last couple of days regular commenters have had to change their password in order to log-in. I swear to Diana Krall that I haven’t done anything to cause this. And if I did by accident, write Diana and ask for your money back.
• Moderating - You may have noticed that you can now comment, if you’re a second-time commenter, without my moderating. My spam filter is working really well, so I’m not the gate-keeper any more. Also, ignore the “commenting guidelines” that say you can’t use bad words or flame me. I always appreciate a good flame and a well-placed cuss word. If your comment gets too flame-y, I’ll simply delete it and delete you. That’s just how I roll.

- Update -

• Internet Explorer - As Jen-An just pointed out in the comments, for Internet Explorer users the “Submit” button is mostly hidden by the comment box.  You can still submit if you hit that sliver that you can barely see just right.  Oh, Diana Krall, why must you smite me this way?  I just want write some stupid things on the intertubes, get some larfs, and you cross me at every turn.  Crump or Mr. Crump, if you have any idea why this is so or why CoComment is such a pain in the ass, maybe you can let me know.

I just upgraded to Wordpress 2.1, and it appears that it doesn’t play nice with Safari. Safari users, for whatever reason, aren’t able to comment. I’m sorry for that. I have an inquiry in to the Wordpress support boards. Until I can get it resolved, might I suggest Mac users switch to Firefox? It seems to work swimmingly. If you are a smart person, and know the problem, maybe you can write to me at alex@baldingangrily.com. Also, if you want to comment, which I always encourage, you can write to me. I will post your comment myself. Thank you.