internets

passing around the hat

My creation

Crumpet is continuing a meme ‘cuz she’s cool like dat. Here’s my mosaic. The rules are simple; follow the link to do the thing yourself.

I noticed Crumpet picked pictures that somehow related to her answers. I didn’t; I picked the picture that I was most drawn to.*

The Questions:
1. What is your first name? alex
2. What is your favorite food? pizza
3. What high school did you go to? ocean view
4. What is your favorite color? red
5. Who is your celebrity crush? beckham
6. Favorite drink? mocha
7. Dream vacation? greece
8. Favorite dessert? tiramisu
9. What you want to be when you grow up? writer
10. What do you love most in life? jerry
11. One word to describe you. obnoxious
12. Your flickr name. baldingangrily

Here are the photo credits:

1. Esta foto se la tomé en las fuentes del Grao de Castellón a mi nieto Alex, lo pasó como un “gancho” corriendo de una a otra (A mi se me caía la baba, evidentemente), 2. Day 307, 3. not afraid, 4. Beautiful old lady from Darap(Sikkim) village, 5. Beckham Got Milk?, 6. “If you don’t feed me.. I’ll..” Mocha, 7. Up Or Down, 8. tira mi su**, 9. Day 106 - I am a librarian, 10. 846, 11. what we are wearing to town…..and my mom is crazy…, 12. Alex and The Internet

*Excepting the pic of Becks. In his case, I chose a pic that showcased his otherworldly humpability without Victoria aka “My cheekbones are instruments of death” getting all up in his bidness.

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taking the cheap way out

Not much happened yesterday. Ergo, no post. It was my first truly wasted day, where I didn’t have any excuse to be a lazy sack. So’s you can join in my slackitude, here’s the webcomic that I fell in love with. I just don’t do webcomics, so this is a treat for you, the reader.

The Non-Adventures of Wonderella

I like her because she’s a superhero that talks in slang and kills inappropriately. Normally I’m not into superhero parody, but Wonderella’s personality speaks to me. A friend told me once that if I wanted him to read something, I should describe it as “Calvin and Hobbes” with a something.

Wonderella is Calvin, if he had grown up into a woman with superpowers.

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this post may be about illegal substances

dope comix

You might remember that I wrote an issue of The Dope Sheet for Filmspotting, way back when it was Adam and Sam, not Adam and Matty. You don’t know that I wrote a second Dope Sheet, hoping Adam would publish it. That didn’t happen because The Dope Sheet stopped happening. It went the way of the crows. Or magpies or whatever.

So here it is, The Dope Sheet that never was.

A Good Critic Will Eat Your Opinion for Lunch

Have you tried reading Moby Dick lately? Ooh-wee, T’Shane. That’s nappy-time you can hold in your hand.

Later on, I’ll tell you why I’m so comfortable writing that. For now, let its sophistication hit you between the eyeballs and enjoy a story that led me to it. No, no, no. The story didn’t lead me directly. That would be much too easy; this will require your patience.

In college my professor pointed to a sculpture and said, “Look how beautiful that is.” It was, in my eyes, quite ugly – all angles and rust. He followed that declaration with, “Of course there’s an objectivity when you look at art. You see something and it’s beautiful or not.” I looked at the sculpture again and thought, “Huh.”1

A few years ago Adam said the following in response to some harsh feedback, “Well, all criticism is subjective. Anyone who says otherwise…well, that’s just foolish.” You can see how this statement doesn’t jibe with my professor’s.

Two weeks ago, Jerry responded to an argument for subjectivity in a review of a local exhibit. He said, “Well, of course there’s good and there’s bad in art. Everyone knows the difference.”

“But we see movies and we disagree,” I challenged him. “You loved Little Miss Sunshine. Me? Not so much.”

“But you’re talking about a work that’s at a higher level then say, a home video of two girls dancing to ‘Fergilicious’,” he said. “We enjoy something like that, but we agree it’s bad. It’s an amateur thing.

“Once you get to higher levels, judging goes from objective to subjective,” he continued, “it’s much harder to get everyone to agree. You start getting into how a work touches on the viewer’s past experience, as how a person can just prefer traditional design to modern design. At that level, everything gets grayer and harder to parse; there’s a criticism that requires more analysis.”2

I respect Jerry; I think he’s smart. I’m going to use his theory to work back up to that first statement. Follow along; there’s cake at the end.

Criticism is inherently subjective at higher levels, requiring finer analysis. That’s Jerry’s statement. I don’t do “earnest,” so it scares the hell out of me. Let me lay it flat and work on it a bit.

Analysis is “This thing is made of these other four things. And these four things inform each other, rub against each other like sandpaper, and give contrast to each other. And further, these four things are made of these smaller eight things. And looking at just one of these eight smaller things, one can see it as a seed or miniature of the overall big thing.”

Opinion is much different; opinion is “This thing is bad.”

Now look at the thick border between analysis and opinion. “Shaun of the Dead, an increasingly common combination of slapstick comedy, societal commentary, and horror, succeeds at none of the above.”3 That place is dangerous; it’s the area where the critic sits, an area that makes for tummy-aches. That’s the center of the rotted wood bridge through which Rudger-hunting soldiers fell in Ladyhawke. I don’t like that place; I’d rather opine.

So that’s how I got to that statement way at the very tippy-top. It’s so much easier to leave out all that cumbersome, muddy analysis. Leave the intelligent criticism to Adam and Sam.

And the part about the cake? I lied.

1I’ve since come to love angles and rust.

2I’m paraphrasing; I don’t think Jerry has ever used “parse” in conversation.

3That’s an example only. Don’t get your nose hairs in a twist.

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the goddess’ dancing elephant slaves

It’s rare that I’m blown away by YouTube because, in general, I’m not interested in what everyone else is interested in. Usually, I discover things that were viral three years ago. That’s my M.O.

So, imagine my surprise at finding the most awesomest thing at the top of You Tube’s Featured Videos.

Here’s the description:

Two girls find a mysterious radio left at their doorstep. They unleash a six armed goddess who seduces them with promises of wealth. They trade their souls for money and, in turn, become the goddess’ dancing elephant slaves.

I don’t know if this is The Heavy’s official video to “Coleen,” but it should be.

Relax and enjoy. (A warning. It’s a big file.)

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out of the cocoon

Like my internet? I changed it. For you!

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for horror-lovers only. you have been warned.

goatse ring

I goatse’d [Don’t worry; link completely safe.] Jerry yesterday; it was the highlight of my weekend. I didn’t actually show him my own personal version of the offending picture; I found the original on the internets and made him look at it. If you’ve never seen the original picture, click around; you’ll find it. You’ll lose your immortal soul upon viewing it, but that’s the price you pay. There’s also this helpful Wikipedia article.

Oh. And mom, please for the love of God, do not try to find the original goatse. You will be horrified and, as I said, lose your immortal soul.

I wish I had taken a picture of his reaction, but I just so badly wanted him to experience that instantaneous gut-punch that I didn’t think ahead. He screamed at me, and was genuinely angry at me until he saw me bent over in my chair with tears coming out of my eyes from laughing at him. Then he came around.

Which gets me to thinking, can you call yourself a true user of the internets if you haven’t been goatse’d? Or is it more of a rite of passage like sticking a bone through your nose or chasing a tiger? Can we classify people into pre-goatse and post-goatse?

And further, is this the new goatse?

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the right to photoshop, the eighth-and-a-half amendment

hillary

For anyone that missed the Scary Hillary photo that’s being passed around the internet like a drunken coed at a frat party, the Something Awful forum goons have been hard at work celebrating via photoshop their right to free, yet delightfully retarted, speech. The original photo leads the forum thread, and someone smarter than me should look up where it came from.

I strongly suggest you scroll quickly through the thread. It will cause less damage to your brain that way.

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i’ve got a horse right here; his name is paul revere

ben & jerry
I love the idea of rating something that, in the mainstream, escapes needed critique, something everyday. I also love ice cream, especially Ben & Jerry’s. Combine these two loves, add Cinnabon, and you get the 27 Second Review (via The Sound of Young America).

For more ratings goodness, also check out the Brunching Shuttlecocks Archives and Lore’s print version of The Book of Ratings, which you can buy for me by clicking on my wishlist in the sidebar.

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ha?

A warning about this post. It’s not funny or meant to be, and it’s pretty specific to the U.S. However the issues behind the specifics are being discussed in other parts of the world.

I’ve been rolling Rights (with a capital R because it’s big and important) around in my head the last couple of days because of Gizmodo’s RIAA Boycott. I got interested in fair use, copyright law, and the Digital Millenium Copyright Act (DMCA) when I bought my iPod video last year and tried to put my purchased DVDs on it. I wondered why iTunes comes with a “Import CD” button but not a “Import DVD” button. That’s when I discovered that unlike CDs, DVDs come encrypted. In order to download the electronic file stored on the DVD, a person must remove the encryption. (I’m sorry if this elementary to you. I’m taking you through my process to show you how I got interested in this subject.) Then I found out that if iTunes were to include an “Import DVD” button, they would be breaking the law because according to the DMCA, it is illegal for Apple to sell or provide software that makes it possible to remove encryption. Further, it is illegal for me to remove encryption using software legally available outside of the U.S.

Then I remembered hearing somewhere that it was considered legal, back in the days of vinyl and cassette tapes, to copy an album or CD for your own personal use onto a cassette tape. It was illegal to sell the cassette, but it was legal to make the cassette to use on your Walkman. This, under copyright law, was called fair use. Fair use protects certain instances in which people that do not have permission to copy copyrighted material. As in the example with the cassette tape and CD, it protects, among other things, educators who wish to excerpt material for their students, critics who wish to review a book, movie, piece of music, or game, and anyone who wishes to parody a copyrighted work.

Hopefully, you see where I’m going. It is illegal to remove encryption from a DVD, but it is legal to make a copy of copyrighted material for your own personal use. So, I’m fucked with my DVD-to-iPod situation, if I wish to not break the law…but fair use says that I wouldn’t be breaking the law. To me, this is a conflict between my consumer rights and greedy movie studios, companies who wish to re-sell the same material to me in a different format.

So, I’m asking you to write your congressperson to support any legislation that will allow me to watch my legally purchased movies on my iPod on a long flight to Sundance. I should also ask you to write your congressperson to support my right to marry Jerry, but, you know…one step at a time. Today: watching O Brother, Where Art Thou on a 2 1/2″ screen; tomorrow: my right to inherit Jerry’s Social Security should he fall down a mountain in Sundance.

Oh. And sorry for the lack of funny.

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in which i learn how to do things with the internets

Hey kids! Look what I can do! The latest Scissor Sisters video. (via BoyzBlog)

Bear with me while I learn new things. This is usually the purview of watchthisvid, but I wanted to see if I could join the YouTube group of cool kids one year too late. This little vid takes quite a bit from that Matrix ping-pong dealy that your mom, who usually gets onto the computer to send you the latest kitties-in-hats powerpoint, sent you last year.

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