Here is something no one in Balding Angrily Land knows about Alex – he did not always have the exquisite taste he is known for. In fact, when he was a kid, he had absolutely terrible taste. To his credit, it was the 1970s and the entire nation seemed to suffer from an extreme bout of tastelessness, but still…
So, how do I know this secret about Alex’s childhood? He told me.
We had lunch recently, and during our meeting, I subjected him to a battery of “getting to know you” questions. Strangely enough, the answers to “What was your most embarrassing moment?” and “When did you realize you were in love?” were the same. How could this collision of shame and passion happen in such a way?
Please allow me to relate Alex’s story.
* * *
Jerry and I were at the video store together when I saw a copy of ElectraWoman and DynaGirl on the shelves.
“Oh. My. GOD! Ilovethisshow!!!!”
I waved the box in front of Jerry’s scrunched up face, doing this little hoppity-dance and going, “Ohboy oh boy oh BOY!”
“What is that?”
“You mean you’ve NEVER SEEN ElectraWoman and DynaGirl? I used to watch it all the time when I was a kid. We have to rent it. You’ll love it.”
On the drive home, I told Jerry about how, when I was a kid, Jason King and I would always play ElectraWoman and DynaGirl together. I was always ElectraWoman (because I had better hair) and I would always boss him around. Every once in awhile, Dyna Girl (Jason) would get hit with an opposite ray and become Evil Dyna Girl. We would then fight with him laughing evilly and me going, “You have to snap out of it, DynaGirl!”
“Where’s Jason now?”
“I don’t know. Married with kids was the last I heard.”
“Do you think he’s ever told his wife about playing DynaGirl?”
“Probably not.”
“Well, then let me say ‘thank you’ in advance. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with me.”
Then we actually watched the show.
To say ElectraWoman and DynaGirl is bad is to insult every bad TV show ever made. It is worse than Cop-Rock levels of bad. Imagine Sanjaya Malakar from American Idol in the shower singing Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini with an entire neighborhood of dogs howling along and you might get something close to 1/10th of the awfulness of this show.
The truly scary part was that the show was just like how I remembered it – only not so cool. It had the same disco theme with the creeping tarantula during the opening credits. It had the same cheesy Batman camera angles. It had the same blessedly unspecial effects.
And it didn’t help that Jerry kept asking me questions like, “Why do the villains always call ElectraWoman and DynaGirl’s hideout BEFORE they commit their crimes?” and “Wouldn’t you think someone would call the police by now just to let them know there is a suspicious-looking swami loitering around the bank?”
After the first episode ended, I said, “We can stop now.”
“Oh no. We started this, and we’re gonna finish it.”
So we finished it.
“I’m sooooo sorry.”
“What for?”
“For being a dumb little kid.”
He gently kissed my forehead.
“Tomorrow night, how about we rent Battle of the Planets and talk about how I pretended I was Keyop.”
* * *
Alex’s cheeks flushed slightly when he finished his story. “The next night, Jerry got to cringe while I asked, “So these aliens are capable of traveling across the galaxy in a giant robot caterpillar?”
“This is gold,” I said. “Do you mind if I blog about this?”
“What! NO! No way!”
