Because they’re not asked frequently. Obviously.
- I’m going bald. How do I prevent that? You can’t. You can stall the inevitable, but it will happen eventually. My high school biology teacher told me that baldness is written into your genes. The particular gene responsible for many prescriptions for Propecia is located on the chromosome that comes from your mom. Blame her. Or blame my high school biology teacher. His name was Mr. Rice. He wasn’t bald.
- If you would be riding a pale horse into an apocalyptic sunset. What would be its name? Dorothy. And the reference would be to neither The Golden Girls nor The Wizard of Oz. You’re a homophobe for even thinking that. The reference would be to Dorothy Dandridge, the celebrated actress with bodacious ta-tas.
- Rate your “angry” and “bald” levels on a scale for 1 to 10, please. A graph would be extra credit. You’re not getting a graph. You’re the one that makes pretty pictures; I write words. If I could somehow chart my baldness and anger levels throughout the past year and figure an average…hm. Bald: 9. Angry: 5. If you’re asking about right now…Bald: 9.5. Angry: 1. It’s a good day, and I’m looking at a particularly attractive barista. Good looking people always make me happy.
- So I can’t prevent my baldness, but I’m still distraught. I’m contemplating suicide.
These men and women have made a scarcity of hair atop their noggins work for them. True, some of them have the ability to grow thick locks, but their baldness distinguishes them. With a full head of hair, Wentworth Miller looks like a standard reality show star. Without, his eyes burn the soul.
- Who, of the following, had the best dress sense: Bernhard Grzimek, John Noakes or Frankie Yankovic? I haven’t the slightest clue who these people were, but I’ll assume that one of them wore jodhpurs. He or she was the best dressed. Jodhpurs are to fashion what sunlight is to photosynthesis.
- If white noise is a random signal with a flat power spectral density. Then what is black noise? Racist.
- If Chaka Kahn is every woman, does that mean the American population demografics have been altered to hide that fact? Chaka Kahn is every woman like I am that chair or like Jerry is an oxygen molecule. When you see the interconnecteness of every particle in and out of the universe, you will have reached enlightenment. Namaste.
- Is sex really more important than the internet, as people say? Yes, but not more important than ice cream.
- I’m looking for pictures of a superhero spanking another superhero. Do you have any of those here? I have a Superman fetish, and I once had a sex-dream with Christian Bale. I write about these things occasionally, but I don’t have any pictures to share. Sorry. If it helps, the sex-dream was the most complete sex dream I’ve ever had. I realized I was dreaming in the midst of it, but I willed myself to keep dreaming. I thought, “I don’t know when the next celebrity sex-dream is going to come my way. This is my Holy Grail. I will not let it go.”
- I will never be as attractive as any of those hot baldies. I hate myself, and I’m still thinking of suicide. Remember the interconnecteness of things. You are Bruce Willis or Jason Statham or Chaka Kahn, so yes, you are as attractive as them. But I do hear your pain. Please call someone to talk about it. It will do you a world of good. It did for me.
- Have you ever firmly established what a “diaper irony” actually is? I’m assuming that Alanis Morrisette will release a song called “Ironic Pt. 2,” in which she will tie-up the loose ends from “Ironic Pt.1,” re-named as such because she’s a George Lucas fan.
- I built a woman from egg white and sand. Sadly, there are issues when she uses the keyboard. Is there an alternative way for her to post comments. Butter and flour many square 12″ baking pans. Pour your woman into those, and cook her for ten minutes at 350° or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean. Take her out of the oven and let her cool on a wire rack. Carefully remove her from the pans. Spread her with your favorite icing. You’re done!
- I am trapped in the belly of a horrible machine that is bleeding to death. How can balding angrily help me? You’re not the one bleeding to death, are you? Quitchyerbitchin.