latest tweets

Or tweets that are very old, but still fresh as the day they were born.

  • Claiming all the cinnamon-sugar pita chips for my own consumption. Priding myself on my Columbus-like resolution.
  • Organizing a sit-in. Of one. On my couch. We’re protesting the lack of good television by forcing ourselves to watch bad television.
  • I’d be a Luddite if it meant “one who enjoys preludes.” Otherwise I’m all for technological advances. I guess I’m a lapsed Luddite.
  • Every time I passed a reflective window yesterday I said to Jerry, “I can’t believe how cute I look.” He rolled his eyes, and I felt loved.
  • Toys ‘R Us was depressing. Plastic clamshell packages strewn about under dead fluorescent lights. This is how the apocalypse will look.
  • Plane WC fun: push the flap at the bottom of the toilet down solely with the pressure of your pee-stream.
  • I promised my big intenstines that The Annual Holiday Gorge would be over soon. But foodstuffs linger in the company kitchen. Beckoning.
  • Is there an internationally-synchronized scale to determine the rankness of a fart? Is this something the NIST should be working on?
  • Die, Kenny G. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.
  • Lick ‘n Stick Architecture: Not to be confused with an Arts ‘n Crafts Bungalow, a Jack ‘n Jill Bathroom, or a Slap ‘n Tickle Georgian.
  • The 80s made me gay: Automan, Airwolf, Manimal, Wonder Woman. How is an innocent boy supposed to fight those influences?
  • I resolve to use “pissfarting” in conversation today.
  • Going through archives, doing some routine maintenance. Came across a folder named “unsuccessful proj.” How refreshingly honest.
  • Thinking about Channing Tatum as Duke in G.I. Joe. Memories of pulling down Duke’s pants when I was a tyke just turned molestery.
  • You know what else is a good word? Whittle. There aren’t enough pleasant, carefree words that mean “taking a knife to something.”
  • Assault of the Day: A woman with a deep voice and a brusk manner, while passing me in an entry vestibule, said at me, “Good door.”
  • I presume she was talking about the door she just passed through because I wasn’t wearing a door on my person at the time.
  • Just had a debate with myself whether to go with the English spelling of program. Then Twitter’s character limit made the decision for me.
  • World Wildlife Fund needs to change their acronym. Keep thinking Noah Wylie’s trying to save yelling, sweaty men in neon, not Polar Bears.
  • I’m chewing on nine pieces of Dentyne Spicy Cinnamon. I call it Wad-O-Headsweat.
  • Sometimes I play with my mag-safe plug with my fingers right next the metal. I’m hoping I’ll get a shock. Or that my laptop will explode.