balding angrily

I like this line from Mary Schmich’s “Wear Sunscreen,” later turned into Baz Luhrman’s “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”:

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as affective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

I’m rarely able to follow this advice about not worrying, but Mary knows this. Since I graduated college, the worries that blindside me come in the middle of the night. At one time I had a problem with anxiety attacks; I seem to have outgrown those, but I’m still open to 3 am internal wake-up calls. I’m at peace with my worrying nature, but it makes for some sleepless nights that affect Jerry.

Last night was one of those nights, and because it was Friday night I felt free to burden Jerry with my depressed, verbal hand-wringings. I’m worried about my career path as usual. You know that I’m unhappy in architecture, but I’ve been successful enough in stifling my unhappiness or looking on the brighter side so that I can go to work and function. The unhappiness came back, but after a workout and a desk cleaning, I’m feeling better this morning.

Anyway, I’ve also figured out that I’m incredibly swayed by caffeine; my body chemistry is fucked. I can avoid exercise for a week, have a café mocha at 7:00, and my body will go into a full scale revolution.

*another random reference