{ 2007 10 11 }
what i would do if i had a million-billion dollars
- Rent a handsome escort. Give him a makeover. Put him in a tuxedo. Train him and enter him into a dog show.
- Buy a house in the suburbs with a lush lawn. Get in the best shape I’ve ever been in my life. Get a perfect tan. Mow my lawn shirtless in the middle of a hot summer, and if I don’t get enough attention from the neighbor-ladies, hire women that look like suburban neighbor-ladies to stand in front of adjacent houses to look at me, fan themselves and wipe their brows.
- Hire an unknown designer to make an outfit with one or more of the following: a duck-billed mask, neon over burlap tights, paperclips scotch-taped to exposed elbows, clown shoes, and hand-skates (roller skates worn on hands). Get today’s Patrick Demarchelier to do a photo shoot. Bribe the editors of Vogue L’Uomo to publish my pictures as the new look of the season.
- Buy a pet tiger. Train her to identify Republicans by scent and eat them.
- Have my entourage throw Skittles in my path whenever I walk in public. Have them whisper, “taste the rainbow” into the ear of any on-looker.
- Have a harem - a female one - complete with large, over-stuffed, silk pillows and incense.
- Buy The Empire State Building. Fill it with packing peanuts.
- Hire the best particle physicists and future-thinkers in the world to build a real Star Trek-like transporter. Hire a team of mathematicians to invent an algorithm that would correctly predict when my favorite male celebrities and athletes were taking a shower and had their eyes closed. Program the transporter with that algorithm so as to transport the celebrity in front of me and transport them back before they open their eyes. Have a job where the constant appearing and disappearing of nude, male celebrities would not bother my co-workers.
- Teach a child to sing.
crumpet | 16-Oct-07 at 7:15 am | Permalink
You don’t seem to have “Give it to Crumpet” anywhere on that list. I suggest you fix that posthaste!
alex | 16-Oct-07 at 8:32 pm | Permalink
Nope. No one’s going to come in between me and my million-billion dollars.