balding angrily

Jen-An is unflappable. Colleen was not, but you could never tell what would set her off. Jerry, making breakfast-for-dinner, said to her, “Move it Cols. Or I’ll kick you in your pussy.”* This didn’t faze her. I looked into the cramped kitchen shocked, wondering if Cols would respond. She ignored him and kept doing what she was doing.

On the other hand, if you timed it right, you could get Colleen good.

She had her gall bladder removed, and Jerry and I visited her in the hospital. She wore a hospital dressing gown that showed off her behind to friends and family. We chatted and left.

Later, Jerry told me she was afraid I saw her behind. I hadn’t. Jerry said, “Look. She’s really embarrassed. You can’t bring this up with her.”

A week later she got out of the hospital, but the doctor told her she couldn’t laugh. She might rip out her stitches if she did. Asking Colleen not to laugh is like asking the sun not to shine. If the expression “peels of laughter” ever applied to anyone, it was Colleen. It was her trademark, her calling card - that and screaming/yelling at someone through her laughter.

Jerry, Collen, and I were walking from her apartment to the car underneath a mailbox hut, one of those central areas where residents retrieve their mail. Jerry and I were walking about ten paces ahead of her.

Jerry said, “Hurry up, Cols. You don’t want a pussy-kickin’, do ya?”

She looked at him with a stone face as if to say, “Is that all you got?”

“So, Cols,” I said, “Did you show anyone else your cooter? Or was it just me?  Did they have to shave it down to cut you open? Do you miss your gall bladder?”

Here she stopped underneath the mailbox hut, put her hand on the stucco wall at forehead level, and silently hit her head against the back of her hand. She didn’t laugh. I like to imagine that she was crying from the pain of holding the laughter in, but I can’t say.

Footnote

*For a long while someone getting “kicked in the pussy,” was our thing. A work associate deserved a kick in the pussy. Roommates needed a kick in the pussy. Richard Nixon would have been a better president if someone would have just given him a good, swift kick in the pussy. I should also add that this was before Anchorman and Will Ferrell’s infamous, “I’m going to kick you in the vagina.” In fact, I wonder if somehow Adam McKay or Ferrell got that from us.