Jerry and I made a deal yesterday. We’re going to look good naked (quothe Lester Burnham) by Labor Day. That gives us more than 3 months. My goal is twenty pounds, and I didn’t ask his. Jerry pisses me off a bit because he is so skinny, and I like to blow off his tales of weight loss with, “Well, he’s just got a high metabolism.”
That simply isn’t true, though; he’s a conscientious eater at the office. I’m a snacker at work; I eat because I’m bored, anxious, or the distracting, more common combination of the two. I go out of my way to snack. I walk to Starbuck’s and order a medium double chocolate frappuccino with extra whipped cream and a coffee cake. There are enough calories in those two things to keep my body running for a whole day, albeit without the benefit of vitamins, fiber, and those other important things that keep it running without the feeling that I’m dragging my face on the ground.
We have different motivations. He likes to stay focused on “This is healthy for my body. I am being a healthier person as I do this.” This works for me in a way, but when I get to my ideal weight, my mind switches to, “I look really hot. Someone should really be taking a picture of me right now because…seriously…if I flex my arm and poke out my chest thusly…damn.” I’m going through this internal monologue while I stand in front of the mirror, obviously.
Last year, I pretty much said that to Jerry ad nauseum. “Hey babe, look how hot I look.” After the fourth or fifth time, Jerry said, “Yes dear, you look very hot,” not looking up from his magazine.
When I am in this shape, I have fantasies of doing a boudoir photo session (link NSFW, but worth it for a few larfs) and sending the pics into Playgirl or somesuch. Then I think, “But what if I want to run for President someday, and those pictures are out there?”
And then I think, “The chances of me running for President, or any public office, are the same as me giving money to Focus on the Family.” (Look it up; I’m not going to link them.)
And then I think, “But still, don’t you have any pride in yourself?”
And then, “Of course I do; that’s why I want to do this. I worked damn hard for the last 3 months to get this body. I want other people to see it.”
As this is a forum that my mother knows about, I’ll never publish said pictures here if I ever have them made. But if you’re really curious, write me and I’ll send ‘em to you (in the event). I only require that you write a 3 page rhapsody on how hot I look.
MagnusFromBerlin | 30-Apr-07 at 12:59 pm | Permalink
still considering whether I’m tempted by that offer (do I get copyright & a full use licence - for let’s say 5 pages?)
Alex, I like you… this is why I’m telling you this, for your own good:
offering pictures of yourself naked to strangers on the internet, because your partner isn’t looking at you enough anymore, is commonly considered a warning sign…
this goes for you as well, Silent J… one day Alex might not come back from his blog.
alex | 30-Apr-07 at 1:04 pm | Permalink
I’d do anything to get my blog numbers higher. I’ve run out of fart and poop stories, so I had to take it down a notch.
MagnusFromBerlin | 30-Apr-07 at 3:00 pm | Permalink
very dedicated…
but beware, next time Adam asks you to write a dope sheet, it might not be because of your writing skills anymore… there might be something very different behind it… something much more sinister (cue overly dramatic music)
crumpet | 30-Apr-07 at 3:20 pm | Permalink
You should take up printmaking. You’ll have no money for snacks and it’s a serious freakin’ workout. I’ll admit, I’ve started to do the whole “feel my stomach! feel my stomach!” thing.
alex | 30-Apr-07 at 4:42 pm | Permalink
I think I have a think for girls with flat tummies. I watched a cheerleader thing on ESPN yesterday, and I was like, “I wonder if I’m straight.”
Other gay guys I’ve talked to have a thing for boobies. We were talking about this the other night, and Jen-An asked me, “So, Alex, what’s your thing on a girl?”
I was totally stumped. I do not like boobies at all. In fact, if I liked women, I would want them as flat-chested, Hershey’s-kiss-like as possible.
But I do like a really flat, bathing-suit stomach.
winrit | 30-Apr-07 at 7:52 pm | Permalink
My senior year of college was really the first time I remember being thin. I look back now and think why didn’t I put a bikini on and take a picture of myself? I’ll never have that moment back.