balding angrily

I never disclaimed any of my other stories because I think by reading a blog, you automatically accept that stuff is fictionalized for effect. This story is close enough to what I remember, however, that I feel like it would be manipulative if I didn’t say that I condensed the reality down to some key concepts. You should also know that you’re only getting my side of the story. My parents might see it differently, even though I endeavored to represent the truth, and paint them in a fair light. In the first part of the story, with two parents, it’s hard for me to remember who said what. I wish I had a recording of this time.

Me: I’ve been dating guys for the last 6 months. And I’m going to continue to date guys.

Lots of silence. Some leaning back in chairs. A couple of red faces.

Blonde Mom: What about that girl you went to see in Texarkana? You said you really liked her. It seemed like you did.
Me: I did really like her. I liked her a whole lot. She’s one of the few girls that I could say I wanted to continue dating, but…
Me: How can I say this? I like dating guys more. Even though I really liked her, and could even see one day marrying her, erm…
Dad: You’re bisexual?
Me: If you put two equally good-looking people in front of me, one male and one female, I would choose the male. I don’t think I understand bisexuals. I’m not sure I believe in it.*
Blonde Mom: So, that guy you were such good friends with last year? I mean, were you…?
Me: No. We weren’t like that. I kind of wished we had, but no. I mean I’ve liked a lot of guys that way. I think [my roommate in college] is very attractive.
Blonde Mom: So, you and he…?
Me: No. He’s definitely straight. I just really like him. We’re great friends. I find him very physically attractive…but no.
Blonde Mom: How could you say you could see yourself marrying a girl…but you’re sitting there telling us this? It sounds like you’re just using people for your own gratification.

Lots of silence.

Dad: I really can’t get over this weirdness you’re showing…for such an important part of your life. How could you be so…ambivalent?
Me: I’m trying to give you my perspective. I’m trying to be honest. I’m not like other guys I know that knew when they were 5. I’m trying to give you where I’m coming from.
Dad: Don’t give me that honesty bullshit. You’re doing this to make yourself feel better.
Me: Have you been happy with our relationship in the last months? I can tell you don’t buy the stories I’m telling you. And I feel weird lying.
Dad: Don’t give me this honesty thing with what you’re doing here. This is self-serving. You’re not doing us any favors.

The conversation ended on terms neither disastrous nor up. I went home. I called the next day, but Blonde Mom told me Dad would call back. I got a letter from Blonde Mom telling me how much I had hurt my dad through my selfishness, but she also affirmed their love for me. I waited. I called again, and Blonde Mom told me to wait. I waited. I imagined a lot during this time not getting a call from Dad. In that time, I got constipated and didn’t sleep, fearing I wasn’t strong enough to live without them. In this in-between time I called a suicide-prevention hotline. I cried a lot. I don’t know if I was capable of suicide or if I called because I needed to talk to someone.

My dad called me after a week of our first talk.

Dad: I just don’t understand. You’re going to continue to date guys. You’re calling yourself gay…
Me: But I never said I’m gay, and I gave a wishy-washy thing that wasn’t really a coming out…
Dad: I’m not convinced you are. I think you’re making a huge mistake. I see you heading for a life of hardship. You will more than likely die of AIDS. You realize that, don’t you?
Me: I don’t have statistics, but it’s not like that. And I’m very careful.
Me: I shouldn’t have given you that thing of ambivalence like you said.
Dad: I understand being attracted to men. I’ve been attracted to men myself…I’ve kind of liked another guy’s skin…that doesn’t make me gay.
Me: The fact is…and I never told you this in all the other times I talked to you about this gay thing…and I wasn’t going to bring it up in front of [Blonde Mom], but I’ve been masturbating to Playgirls since I knew how to masturbate.

There was silence after that, and he never said, “I get it now.” Writing this now, I don’t think it was necessary.

Me: Part of that ambivalent thing…was a kind of denial. Do you think it’s easy for me to look at my dad and have him picture me as a cocksucker? I mean, Dad, I admire you. I don’t want you to see me that way…something that I know you consider gross. It’s really hard for me to say that I’m gay.
Dad: This is a really shitty thing, Alex.
Me: The stories I’ve heard…it takes years…I just couldn’t see us tip-toeing around each other any more, me always lying to you about what I was doing on the weekends…you kind of going, ‘M-hm’ and giving me that kind of unbelieving face.
Dad: Deception never works in a relationship; You know, people just don’t have good relationships when there’s deception there. It comes out wrong.
Dad: I don’t want to see you…there are people out there…if they don’t want you dead, they’re not going to…You’re going to be hated. It’s going to be hard on you.
Me: Things have changed, I think. I don’t feel what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen it. I’ve heard about it, but I haven’t experienced it myself.
Me: I’m sorry you have to adjust. I’ve had about nine months to adjust to this. You just started.
Dad: I just want what’s best for you. And I don’t think…I think you can change your mind. I don’t think this is a done deal.
Me: I think it is. I mean, I hate to be absolutist, but I’m pretty sure this is a done-deal.

I didn’t change my mind, and they adjusted. It was tough for years. It’s only after I introduced them to Jerry that I think they breathed a whale-sized sigh of relief.

*Now, I believe in the Kinsey scale, but at the time I was ignorant. There remains a contingent of gay males that cheat on their wives with men and justify cheating with “But I’m bisexual.” However, I’ve met enough honest-to-goodness bisexuals and understand the stigma they endure from both gays and straights to know I was wrong.