balding angrily

The Thing

1. Stand in front of a mirror or other reflective surface. If you have a really shitty computer monitor, that might do.
2. Put your hands together as if in prayer in front of your chest.
3. Cross your thumbs.
4. Bend your fingers at the first knuckles slightly, the ones closest to where your fingers separate from your hands, keeping your finger tips pressed together.
5. Open up the side of your hands closest to the mirror or shitty computer monitor, keeping your thumbs crossed and your index fingers close together.
6. Extend your pinkies out away from each other.
7. Look at your hands in the mirror, and remember that image.

And now, the story…

Red-haired Mom, White Beard, Jerry, Jen-An, Owen, and I went to have drinks after dinner. We started talking about Bodyworlds.

Me: I was looking at the case…the one with all the man and lady parts all laid out. And there was this group of girls across from me. And I was really trying to get a really good look at the woman parts-

Jen-An: Well, yeah. You don’t have a whole lot of experience there.

Me: Exactly. So I’m kinda really getting down close to the glass…you know, really searching, and I could kinda feel these girls’ eyes on my forehead, and I kinda never got a good enough look because I felt like I had to move on.

Everyone:…

Me: Well, that’s really the whole point; I was embarrassed.

Jerry: I did the same thing with the man and woman skater…he was holding her up…and they were like rotating on a platform? So, I looked up, and there it was, right in my face…and then it rotated and rotated and rotated, and I was just standing there looking up waiting for it to come around again, so I could get a good look. And I was with the people on my team. And someone on my team probably saw me standing there waiting for the lady parts to come back around.

Red-Haired Mom: I don’t remember that one.

Jerry: You don’t remember? It was like ‘Muaaahhhhh!’ (and here Jerry did The Thing in the direction of Red-Haired Mom)

Red-Haired Mom: Hm. Jerry, I don’t know what to say.

Me: Jeez mom, you should see him around his family. He makes it a point…Every. Single. Time…we are gathered around the dinner table…he rips one…like really loud.

Red-Haired Mom: (laughing) Why?

Me: Just to gross out his nieces.

Jerry: (embarrassed) Other people aren’t supposed to know that.

Me: You just went, ‘Muaaaahhhh!’ (doing The Thing) at my mom, and now something’s off-limits?

Jerry: It’s really not that big a-deal. It’s really not THAT loud.

Me: You lift one cheek off the chair, babe. You make a show of it.

Jen-An: (to Jerry) For as long as we’ve known each other…and for as long as we will know each other, you can cross as many boundaries as you want…just don’t ever. Ever. Rip one in front of me. Our relationship will be over.

So I guess Jerry and my relationship is stronger than Jen-An and Jerry’s relationship. I win!