balding angrily

The other night I went to the gym as I do when my waistband cuts into the fleshy tube sitting on my hips, and as I was putting on my second shoe I noticed it felt different than the other shoe. I took a closer look, and I had packed two shoes from two different pairs in my gym bag that morning. They looked similar enough that on first glance no one would notice, and luckily one was a left foot and one was a right foot. Because that day I finished off a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs, I decided to work out anyway, wearing shoes from two different pairs. I asked Jerry later if he noticed anything weird about me after I got back, and he didn’t. So I’m safe in assuming that no one at the gym noticed either.

Today’s bullet list is

Times I’ve Forgotten Something Which Gave Me An Excuse To Not Go Through With That Thing That I Didn’t Want To Do Anyway But Really Should’ve:

• Last week I forgot my wallet at home on the way to the office. I realized it and decided that I HAD to have my wallet even though I was already late. I went back home, grabbed my wallet, checked the internet, looked at the beautiful day developing outside, and decided to play hooky with the full intention of riding my bike around White Rock Lake or going to a movie. I didn’t step outside the apartment the rest of the day. I looked at the internet and watched Oprah and Ellen. In my defense, I’ve never seen either of these two shows, and it was the day after the Oscars. After watching them both, I felt sorry for anyone that stays home and is subjected to daytime television. <Begin Seinfeld> And what is up with Gayle? Does she have any use on the show? Oprah interviewed Gayle after interviewing Forest Whitaker and Helen Mirren as if she were someone. I kept thinking, “Who IS she? And if these lesbian rumors are true, come on, Oprah. You can attract a woman without a mannish jaw. <End Seinfeld>
• Another time at the gym I forgot to pack my iPod in my gym bag. I thought that if I couldn’t be with my precious, then I really shouldn’t work out. I bought a Snickers and went home.
• One time I forgot my gym undies. If you’re a guy, you’ll understand gym work requires different undies than work undies. I prefer a very loose boxer in my everyday wear because I like my boys to breathe and swing freely. When working out, I really need them protected and secure against my body. Girls, you have your athletic bras; you might be surprised that guys have athletic undies. I have many pairs of athletic undies that have little vents strategically placed over the butt crack and around the sides of my junk. I like to think that a scientist studied what parts of the male body needs venting, and designed these undies to precise specifications. Like if the vent were 1/4″ lower on my butt crack, my butt crack would be getting too much air or if the vent were made slightly narrower than the sides of my butt crack wouldn’t be getting enough air. Or maybe the scientist figured out that the vents that frame my junk are critical to keeping my junk at just the right temperature if I were trying to make babies. So these are my gym undies, which are entirely different than the regular boxer-briefs that I happened to be wearing that day. (Once in a while I like to feel sexy underneath my work clothes.) When I discovered, standing in front of my open locker, that I forgot to pack my gym undies, I figured that the scientists taking precise measurements of men’s junk and butt cracks must know what they’re doing, and to work out with regular boxer briefs would be tantamount to shoving my balls in a juicer. So I left, stopped at Target, bought a bag of Riesens and went home.
• One time I forgot to pack my white bootie socks in my gym bag. This time I decided to be healthy and bought some Twizzlers and went home.
• One time I forgot to bring a bottle of wine to a party that I really didn’t want to go to. I remembered as I was pulling up to the curb of the house. I went home, got in my jammies, and called the host telling him I was sick. I watched Saturday Night Live and ate Jelly Bellies.
• But one time I did go through with the workout even though I didn’t have my special athletic undies, and I had worn boxers to work. I rubbed my junk raw on the rough boxer cotton while I was on the elliptical, and I must have inadvertently flashed many a hot college boy my junk while doing a declined bench press. Since I hurt my junk in such a sensitive spot, I bought Ben & Jerry’s on the way home and ate it watching The Daily Show.