I’m often asked, “Alex, who do you regularly wish death on?” I smile, cock my head to the side, and look up to the blue skies as if to ask, “Jesus? Should I really tell?”
Here is my incomplete list, incomplete because I’m sure there are many, many more people in the world that deserve death:
- People that give ball-headed people a bad name by wearing a toupee or getting plugs. I’m looking at you, cheesy Dr. 90210 guy with the sleeveless scrubs.
- Hummer owners
- Hummer owners that cut me off in traffic
- People that try to share my lane on the freeway because they’re talking on their cellies
- Republicans
- Republicans with comb-overs
- Members of the NRA
- Vocal members of the NRA
- Charlton Heston
- Charlton Heston with a comb-over
- Anyone that buys a greeting card that has a picture of a puppy or kitty with over-sized eyes
- Anyone that was involved with that commercial where the pizza lovers have over-sized eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. That over-sized eyeball shit freaks me out. I seriously have to turn my head to the side when that commercial comes on.
- Listeners of easy listening unless I also listen to that particular artist or band. Sometimes my tastes run into schmaltzy territory. I think that’s fine on me, but not fine on other people. If you’re going to listen to “light jazz,” in my vicinity, warn me. I’ll have my diamond-dust dipped dental floss ready to slice off your head.
- Ugly babies. The only good thing about a baby is that it’s cute and I can coo at it. Ugly babies don’t have any use. Keep ‘em away from me.
- Anyone that’s better looking than me. If the world were rid of them, then I’d have a better chance of becoming a jet-setting fashionista. Also, I watched The Devil Wears Prada last night.
- Anyone that won’t give me what I want for free. I’m looking at you, resort spas in Palm Springs, naughty masseuses in the backs of gay publications, sellers of private jets, builders of houses featured in Dwell Magazine, five-star restaurants and chefs of said restaurants in New York and Paris, Apple executives that don’t recognize my unfailing dedication to Apple and as a result not giving me free iPods or prototype iPods that may never be sold to the general public, personal trainers of Oprah and Madonna, and personal chefs of Oprah and Madonna.
- The inventor of fat
- Donald Trump
- Anyone that was ever on The Apprentice, except the guy that won the first season. He was cute.
- Anyone that calls me “buddy”, “dude”, “guy”, “big guy”, “friend”, “bro”, or “brother” who I just met
- Anyone who has ever turned me down for a date or not called me back when I was dating
- Anyone that talks on a cell phone anywhere near me. Get this straight. It’s okay for me to talk to my friends at La Madeleine on my cell when I’m alone, bored, and bookless. It’s not okay for you. Because I said; that’s why.
- Anyone that operates a keyboard or other piece of specialized equipment behind a high counter-top that tap-taps away without looking up to acknowledge that he or she heard me answer his or her question. This includes but is not limited to: rental car people, hotel front desk people, airline ticket people, and IHOP cashiers.
- Macy’s salespeople if anyone can find one of them. I’ve heard they exist, but they’re very elusive.
crumpet | 05-Mar-07 at 2:44 pm | Permalink
So you can happily wish death on all these people, but you can’t be happy for the little ant that killed the wasp?
alex | 05-Mar-07 at 2:47 pm | Permalink
I kinda get off on crushing ants, so yeah.
Junior | 05-Mar-07 at 4:23 pm | Permalink
“Anyone that was involved with that commercial where the pizza lovers have over-sized eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. That over-sized eyeball shit freaks me out. I seriously have to turn my head to the side when that commercial comes on.”
Ditto. That thing scares me. And it’s annoying.
MagnusFromBerlin | 06-Mar-07 at 6:43 am | Permalink
* the advocates of ironic consumerism.
* everyone who goes on about how Yoko Ono destroyed the Beatles
* people who think acting dumber than you are is in fact clever
* those who actively use their glasses in gestures while presenting their arguments
* them people that write lists of people that should be killed on the internet
alex | 06-Mar-07 at 8:55 am | Permalink
I wish I knew what ironic consumerism is.
MagnusFromBerlin | 06-Mar-07 at 9:37 am | Permalink
That wish can be granted:
ironic consumerism is when, let’s say for example you’re pushing forty, getting a belly and are becoming bald and… … … now where was I… oh yes, you then buy a fancy imported sports-car, but (and here comes the important thing) not to pick up women, but to make fun of people who think you bought it to pick up women… so basically it’s buying status symbols to make fun of people who might think you bought them as status symbols… clever, eh
alex | 06-Mar-07 at 9:41 am | Permalink
Thank you. As long as it’s the ironic part that you object to. What about rampant, very sincere consumerism? Like what if the bald, tubby guy buys the Mercedes as an honest-to-god status symbol? I hope you don’t object to that.
MagnusFromBerlin | 06-Mar-07 at 10:14 am | Permalink
I don’t object to the buying of status symbols at all, if that’s your thing go right for it… what i object to is coming up with overly clever constructed bull shit later on to justify it… If you want my respect, buy a golden Mercedes and engrave “Daddy Cool” in fake jewellery in the back… I might laugh at you, but in a nice encouraging way…
alex | 06-Mar-07 at 10:25 am | Permalink
Someone needs to get on Photoshopping that.
Lynch | 06-Mar-07 at 4:25 pm | Permalink
alex | 06-Mar-07 at 4:44 pm | Permalink
There’s a kind of synergy going on here that I’m really digging. Now, Magnus if you would start a website, we could all be linking each other from here to the ends of the earth.
crumpet | 07-Mar-07 at 12:01 am | Permalink
I’m still envisioning the Merc with DADDY COOL Bedazzled really big down the sides or on the front.
MagnusFromBerlin | 07-Mar-07 at 11:43 am | Permalink
nice job lynch, but crumpet is right: Daddy Cool the Crazy Fool must be Bedazzling…
Oh, and Alex I forgot to mention, also death to all those who use the word “synergy”…
while we’re on the subject (and so this post has at least some use) do you people know the Bedazzled Blog at http://bedazzled.blogs.com, always a good place to get Scopitones and other old and strange videos…
stumpfer gegenstand » Blog Archive » 10.000 - another sunny day - you should all be murdered! | 15-Mar-08 at 2:50 am | Permalink
[…] “Who Should get Murdered”-thing with Alex on his “Balding Angrily”-Blog, here is who he and I think should be […]