balding angrily

Yesterday, I profiled Jen-An. Today I profile Owen Wilson, Jen-An’s partner for life. Don’t call him a husband; he hates that.

Owen is:

• Dry - Mojave Desert dry. His biological mother comes up in a conversation, and he says, “I’m glad she’s dead. I hated her.” The first time I heard this I stopped and stared at him, and then looked to Jen-An. His mouth was as serious as a heart attack, his thin lips not even coming close to cracking a smile. Now I realize he’s being his version of wacky and chuckle along. His dryness would make the ashes of corpses left over after the Apocalypse seem like face cream.
• Ready for an Adventure - He likes 7-11.

Owen: Hey-hey. Wake up.
Jen-An (blinking): What time is it?
Owen: Three o’clock.
Jen-An: What the…? Jesus. What do you want?
Owen: Do you want to go to 7-11?
Jen-An: It’s three o’clock in the morning.
Owen: I want some coffee. Do you want to get some coffee?
Jen-An: I hate you.
Owen: How ’bout a sandwich?

• On the Vain Side - I’ve seen vainer, but not in a straight man. I take that back. I’ve seen vainer in many straight men, but they’re icky LA types or closeted gays. He gets his hair tipped. On the other hand, he refuses to wear anything other than jeans and hates dressing up. And I know that’s not a “look” for him. He feels better in jeans and flip-flops. He’s my hero when it comes to dress because when going out with them, I can arrange with him to dress down in opposition to Jen-An’s wishes. I think I spent the entire Vancouver trip in flip-flops thanks to him. So, I take it back; he’s not vain. But the hair thing? That’s a little gay.
• Asperger-y - Jerry and I read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, and we realized that I’ve got a touch of the Asperger’s. I have a hard time not taking someone literally. I get overly focused on one thing like video games. I have problems in social situations because some unspoken rules that they don’t teach you in school trip me up. We told Jen-An and Owen about this, and Jen-An pointed to Owen, “I live with that.”
• Swarthy-voiced - That doesn’t make any sense when you look up swarthy. I know; I did. But it’s hard to describe his voice. It’s kind of a comforting, scratchy, higher-pitched Fred MacMurray. His voice makes you want to climb in his lap and have him read you a bed-time story or sing you a lullaby. I know; I did.
• Protective of Their Pups - We were with Jen-An and Owen at some event or another, and their dogs came up in conversation. They have two pups, both on the large side, but one is smaller and runty-er. She’s a mix-breed, and I think must have a little bit of Boxer in her because she’s got that flat face. I’m totally talking out of my ass because I have no idea what they are, but I know they’re big, and the smaller is less purebred. They were talking about how cute this smaller one is - let’s call her Eggroll - and I said, to be a contrarian, “Eggroll’s ugly. You know she wishes she looked like the other one.” Jen-An and Owen both acted aghast, and we moved on. Two nights later Jerry and I went to their place for dinner, and instead of buzzing us in like normal, Owen met us at the door and said he had a surprise for me. He led us to the garage where he had set up a card table with a single place-setting of paper plates, plastic cutlery, a framed picture of Eggroll, and place tag with my name on it. For the rest of the night I felt like a heel, and I will never insult Eggroll ever again. She’s a very sweet, pretty, flat-faced pup.
• Talented - He wrote Jen-An a touching and delightfully specific song for their wedding, recorded it, and produced it. He recorded and wrote it when Jen-An was out to keep it a surprise, leading to instances when he told her to stay away for specious reasons.

Owen: Don’t come in!
Jen-An: Why?
Owen: I’m naked!
Jen-An: I’m coming in.
Owen: But you’re not naked! It’d be weird!
Jen-An: …
Owen: And I’m with the dogs!
Jen-An: …
Owen: Go away!

I admit that was an excuse for me to imagine him naked. But it might’ve happened. Maybe. Plus, isn’t naked the funnest word to say?