balding angrily

1. Make sure you have an audience. Telling jokes to your sock drawer is fun, but having an audience of friends is funner. If you don’t have any friends, hire them. Central Casting has a wealth of extras waiting for your call.
2. Prepare your audience. Tell them, “This is the greatest joke you will ever hear. If I were you, I’d record this. Here. I have my mp3 recording device right here. I’ll record it for you. Then you can go home and memorize it. Believe me; you’ll want to memorize it after you lose your bowels from laughing so hard. It’s that funny.”
3. Make up a story of how you heard the joke. Tell your audience that you were eating leftover Moo Goo Gai Pan when a Faerie Princess appeared to you from behind your microwave glass. Tell them that the Faerie Princess told you this joke.
4. (I can’t wait until you hear this joke. It’s THAT funny!)
5. Warn your audience that there might be some strong language, and that one-to-four (but not more than four) minority groups will get insulted in this joke.
6. Make sure your health insurance is up to date.
7. Tell the joke. As you do, make sure to drag it out as long as possible, adding detail and detail-upon-detail and detail-upon-detail-upon-detail. Every telling should be different. Try to see how long you can string out this joke. And then try to beat that record the next time!
8. After the punchline, duck and cover!
9. Hide in the broom closet!
10. Did you remember to make sure your health insurance is up-to-date?
11. Your audience found you and beat you within an inch of your life? Congratulations! You get to go to the hospital!

For all his life Adam wanted to be a Sesame Street bus driver. He studied hard in school and one day interviewed with the Sesame Street company. The boss was impressed with his singular focus, but because the job was a demanding one, he had Adam drive a test route for a week.Adam’s first stop on his first day of his training week was at the house of Patty. Patty was a very big girl with ingrown hairs on her nose and a pink and blue, floral mumu. She sat behind Adam and breathed down his neck. Her breath smelled like cigar smoke. He wanted very much to get away from her, but he remembered that this was his dream job, and that he could stomach Patty for this chance. He drove on.

The next stop was at a tenement where he picked up a second Patty and Ross. The second Patty was twice as big as the first. She shaved her eyebrows, had curly black hairs growing between her knuckles, and her breath smelled like blue cheese left on a gazelle carcass. She sat next to the first Patty and breathed down Adam’s neck. He put a clothes-pin over his nose, remembered his life-long dream, and drove on.

Ross was a special needs boy, so the boys on the Sesame Street playground called him Special Ross. While he wasn’t half as big as the Pattys, at 13 he already had man-boobs that by a genetic happenstance, which might also account for his learning disability, lactated. He couldn’t afford a belt, so his mom made a belt for him out of rope. Every shirt he wore had stains running down from his nipples to his rope-tied waste. He didn’t like the Pattys so he sat in the middle of the bus.

The final stop was at the home of the Sesame Street janitor, Rhett. Even though Rhett was a lowly janitor, he came from aristocratic lines. The Reeves family went back many generations and had many mansions in the Hamptons. He knew that his station in life as a janitor was lowly, so to help remember his heritage he went by his full name, Rhett S. Reeves. Rhett had the habit of picking on the sores on his toes and eating them. He sat at the back of the bus away from lactating Ross and the smelly-breathed Pattys.

So Adam and all drove away. And do you know what the kids on the playground called them?

Two all-beef Pattys, Special Ross, Rhett S. Reeves, picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus.